Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Feeling Furtive

Last night I felt like a drug addict jones-ing for a fix. I made it through the entire day on the fluids, then -- ravenous at about 8 pm -- heated up some remaining pasta sauce and drank it like soup. Then after 10 pm, I got dressed (I'd already put on my pajamas) and drove to Wendy's and bought a taco salad. It comes with iceberg lettuce, a cup of chili, a few sprinklings of cheese and slivers of a nacho-like garnishment. Also, a creamy salad dressing. It was the most delicious thing ever. I don't feel very guilty, just worried about the condition of my liver and whether I am undermining the surgery.

I am finding it hard to fall asleep, whether for a nap or at bedtime. My body is weak and I'm tired but my mind is wide-awake and active with all kinds of thoughts, worries, doubts, etc. Oh, and I am having my period. So, I'm miserable.

This afternoon, I was checking Facebook and had to do a double-take when I saw a face from the past as a suggested friend. It was a guy I was engaged to in my twenties. We had known each other in high school and then gotten reacquainted. He called things off about three months before the wedding, which devastated me. I was looking great, too. One of the many failed relationships which confirmed to me that attractiveness was not much use, if --in addition to being smart, fun, friendly, affectionate, caring, and generous -- I couldn't make a relationship work. Especially since HE had pursued me in the first place.

I began to gain weight steadily after that breakup. One of the hardest things to deal with was not knowing WHY. His explanations were meager and unsatisfying: "I am not ready to be responsible for another person" was the gist of what he told me. What I assumed were things like: I was not attractive enough, I was not smart enough, I was not enough-enough.

Now to see him smiling back at me from the computer -- looking happy, handsome, and a tad bit pleased with himself -- hits me hard. His life has been great, I assume. He made the right decision to cut himself loose from me. My life has been a series of mistakes and bad judgment calls. He knew what he was doing.

Have I mentioned that I'm miserable?

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