I've lost 91 pounds. I've put a bunch of my clothes in a large garbage bag to take to Goodwill or Salvation Army. I've bought new clothes and new shoes. I've swum in the Caribbean Sea in a new bathing suit. I look better. Physically, I feel better. I can do more: walk farther, climb steps without discomfort, enjoy exercise.
I no longer feel as if food has some kind of hold over me. I can only eat so much. There are consequences to "just one more" bite: pain in my chest, vomiting over a period of a couple of hours. It's no fun.
This month, for pretty much the first time, I am beginning to feel depression set in. It's that apathy, that lack of spark, that desire to do nothing. I expected my life to change. I'll admit it. I expected all the things I dreamed of to come true. I expected to feel exultant and proud. I just feel something like deflation. As if the pounds going away took some part of me with them.
I try not to dwell on people looking differently at me. I actually prefer when someone asks me about the surgery, or asks if I've lost weight. The silence and wide eyes make me feel slightly furtive, like I've pulled a fast one. Most people seem to be treating me the same way, acting as if nothing has changed. This makes me feel weird. Again, I prefer people to voice their impressions, ask their questions. The silence is disconcerting.
At my 3-month appointment, the nurse who runs the group classes said depression medication is possibly the only exception to the post-surgery rule. That is, in most cases, bariatric patients take less medication after losing weight: Diabetes abates, blood pressure goes down, sleep apnea is silenced. No need for pain meds when your knees/back/ankles, etc. no longer hurt. Nurse Natalie said the malabsorption feature of the surgery may undermine the work of the depression medication. Great.
I dislike my job more, rather than less. Somewhere in my mind I figured that since losing weight would make me happier with myself, maybe I'd be happier with my situation. I would be okay with my job. I would go ahead and buy a house. Instead, escape is my constant and most fervent wish. How can I get out of here? How can I pack a few bags and just hit the road. I would love to drive and drive, stop in a hotel when I'm tired. Get up and do it again the next day. I'd take pictures. I'd see sights. I'd visit old friends from coast to coast. When I got to the coast, I'd get on a plane or a boat or a ship and keep going.
I cleaned out what was left of my pension from a former job and paid off half of my debts. If I could get rid of my debt, I would quit my job and go find what's out there.
So, I've lost 91 pounds. Seventy-one to go.
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
August 10, 2009
No More Naps?
Before my surgery, I built my days around naps. Since I work evenings and get home at about 11 p.m. and get to bed around 1 a.m., I would get up around 9 or 10 a.m. and start my day. Not that I got much accomplished. Breakfast was coffee and a muffin or bagel (although after I started planning for surgery I cut out muffins and cut that bagel in half). I would watch the news, Will & Grace reruns, and HGTV while I answered emails and did work on my laptop. Sometimes I would do an errand or two, always keeping my eyes on the time so that I could be sure to fit in lunch AND a two-hour nap.
Granted, this recovery period is pretty much stress-free, and no work. So, I may get back into the napping habit once I get back to work next week. I suspect there will be some days when I'll want a nap and others when I won't. We'll see.
Back to the muffin... It's not the only thing I gave up starting back in March. Just cutting out certain items and replacing them with more healthful foods helped me lose 13 lbs by June. I also stopped grazing at work, on whatever the students or my colleagues would bring in -- stuff like cookies, chips, pretzels, etc.
Fast food & other restaurant food had to go. My faves were the burgers and spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy's with fries, Culver's fish and chips and concrete (custardy ice cream with chunks of peanut butter cups), Big Mac, General Tso's chicken, shrimp fried rice, cheese cake, avocados, nachos, pizza -- you get the idea! I started cooking more, avoiding carbs as much as I could stand. If I did eat out, I would pick up a Greek Salad with chicken from Panera or a Chipotle salad (no rice, of course). Ice cream and other fatty deserts I replaced with Edy's fruit bars (lime and lemonade are my favorites) and the mango smoothie at Panera. Also Yoplait yogurt. Looking back, it wasn't that hard to do. Of course, I slipped up from time to time -- mainly after work, when I would get hungry on my way home around 11 p.m., having eaten dinner at work about four hours earlier. I worry about this still. Will my dinner at work keep me full until bedtime?
Today I went walked at the park, just about 15 minutes -- not much, but a start. I definitely got my heart rate up, but did not really sweat much as it was cool, overcast and breezy. I sat for a while afterward and let the delicious breeze flow over me, listening to kids playing and a fountain splashing. I reflected on how good it feels to be DOING something about my weight, rather than sitting around THINKING I should be doing something about my weight.
Before my surgery, I built my days around naps. Since I work evenings and get home at about 11 p.m. and get to bed around 1 a.m., I would get up around 9 or 10 a.m. and start my day. Not that I got much accomplished. Breakfast was coffee and a muffin or bagel (although after I started planning for surgery I cut out muffins and cut that bagel in half). I would watch the news, Will & Grace reruns, and HGTV while I answered emails and did work on my laptop. Sometimes I would do an errand or two, always keeping my eyes on the time so that I could be sure to fit in lunch AND a two-hour nap.
Granted, this recovery period is pretty much stress-free, and no work. So, I may get back into the napping habit once I get back to work next week. I suspect there will be some days when I'll want a nap and others when I won't. We'll see.
Back to the muffin... It's not the only thing I gave up starting back in March. Just cutting out certain items and replacing them with more healthful foods helped me lose 13 lbs by June. I also stopped grazing at work, on whatever the students or my colleagues would bring in -- stuff like cookies, chips, pretzels, etc.
Fast food & other restaurant food had to go. My faves were the burgers and spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy's with fries, Culver's fish and chips and concrete (custardy ice cream with chunks of peanut butter cups), Big Mac, General Tso's chicken, shrimp fried rice, cheese cake, avocados, nachos, pizza -- you get the idea! I started cooking more, avoiding carbs as much as I could stand. If I did eat out, I would pick up a Greek Salad with chicken from Panera or a Chipotle salad (no rice, of course). Ice cream and other fatty deserts I replaced with Edy's fruit bars (lime and lemonade are my favorites) and the mango smoothie at Panera. Also Yoplait yogurt. Looking back, it wasn't that hard to do. Of course, I slipped up from time to time -- mainly after work, when I would get hungry on my way home around 11 p.m., having eaten dinner at work about four hours earlier. I worry about this still. Will my dinner at work keep me full until bedtime?
Today I went walked at the park, just about 15 minutes -- not much, but a start. I definitely got my heart rate up, but did not really sweat much as it was cool, overcast and breezy. I sat for a while afterward and let the delicious breeze flow over me, listening to kids playing and a fountain splashing. I reflected on how good it feels to be DOING something about my weight, rather than sitting around THINKING I should be doing something about my weight.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Feeling better & different
I am beginning to feel less like a walking, talking side of a house. Thursday (my fortieth birthday), I had my first post-surgery appointment and was happy to say goodbye to the drainage tube and mini football. I felt a strange, cringe-worthy sensation as the nurse sort of yanked it all out of my side. The hole left behind was immediately covered with gauze and tape, and that was it.
Also at this appointment I learned I had lost 12 pounds since my previous weigh-in on July 23. Twelve pounds in about two weeks. Crazy. So, to date: Lost 13 pounds from March to June, 11 pounds from June to late July (liquid pre-surgery diet), 12 pounds after surgery.
My watch slides around on my wrist. My bras fit more comfortably. Clothes are looser. No swollen ankles (not that I've been on my feet as much as usual).
In the week immediately after surgery, I had started taking my vitamins and other medication -- rather half-heartedly, I admit. After neatly organizing them in a brightly colored plastic case (a different color for each day of the week), I sort of lost hope. Somehow, seeing them all in one place made me wonder how I would ever get them all down. My post-surgery appointment reminded me how vital these are to my health. For the rest of my life.
6 multivitamin capsules a day
1 chewable iron tablet
4 chewable Calcium citrates (they taste and have the consistency of Starburst candy, never one of my favorites)
1 Pepcid (to prevent acid from eroding the lining and sutures of my newly small tummy)
Twice a week I have to put a small B12 pill under my tongue until it dissolves
Oh, and I have to exercise, plus make sure to get 65 grams of protein (Slim Fast), and 64 ounces of clear liquids. I admit, thinking about all of this gets me down sometimes. It all seems daunting. But, I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. The alternative is unacceptable.
Next Thursday, I'll begin eating real food (half a cup per meal)! My menu choices are "cream of" soups (blended to get out any chunks), mashed potatoes, sugar free pudding, and scrambled egg! By the time I go to a conference I'm attending at the end of the month I'll be enjoying shaved deli meats, cheese, and toast. All these mundane foods sound sublime to me now.
I do think about food quite a lot, mostly at night when I am trying to fall asleep -- even though I am not hungry. This must the psychological part kicking in: the comfort and routine of a hot meal and eating until I'm stuffed (and then having desert).
Also at this appointment I learned I had lost 12 pounds since my previous weigh-in on July 23. Twelve pounds in about two weeks. Crazy. So, to date: Lost 13 pounds from March to June, 11 pounds from June to late July (liquid pre-surgery diet), 12 pounds after surgery.
My watch slides around on my wrist. My bras fit more comfortably. Clothes are looser. No swollen ankles (not that I've been on my feet as much as usual).
In the week immediately after surgery, I had started taking my vitamins and other medication -- rather half-heartedly, I admit. After neatly organizing them in a brightly colored plastic case (a different color for each day of the week), I sort of lost hope. Somehow, seeing them all in one place made me wonder how I would ever get them all down. My post-surgery appointment reminded me how vital these are to my health. For the rest of my life.
6 multivitamin capsules a day
1 chewable iron tablet
4 chewable Calcium citrates (they taste and have the consistency of Starburst candy, never one of my favorites)
1 Pepcid (to prevent acid from eroding the lining and sutures of my newly small tummy)
Twice a week I have to put a small B12 pill under my tongue until it dissolves
Oh, and I have to exercise, plus make sure to get 65 grams of protein (Slim Fast), and 64 ounces of clear liquids. I admit, thinking about all of this gets me down sometimes. It all seems daunting. But, I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. The alternative is unacceptable.
Next Thursday, I'll begin eating real food (half a cup per meal)! My menu choices are "cream of" soups (blended to get out any chunks), mashed potatoes, sugar free pudding, and scrambled egg! By the time I go to a conference I'm attending at the end of the month I'll be enjoying shaved deli meats, cheese, and toast. All these mundane foods sound sublime to me now.
I do think about food quite a lot, mostly at night when I am trying to fall asleep -- even though I am not hungry. This must the psychological part kicking in: the comfort and routine of a hot meal and eating until I'm stuffed (and then having desert).
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Women & Food
Women talk about food a lot. My students (20-somethings) always seem to be talking about what they are going to be eating next and reflecting on what their previous meals were like. Today I went to the UPS Store to express-mail something and the all-female staff was discussing getting Subway for lunch. It was just past 11:30 a.m.
My sister-in-law Emily and I have discussed this phenomenon. It seems even skinny women think and talk about food. Perhaps even more feverishly than women who struggle to maintain their weight. Perhaps skinny women (like my young students) have more to lose (or gain!) by gaining weight. I used to be one of those skinny gals. Of course I thought I was overweight; par for the course these days, right? I remember the terrible sense of failure and self-loathing when a pair of pants suddenly seemed a wee bit tight. The awful punch-in-the-gut sensation upon hearing a family member or friend I hadn't seen in a while say: "Girl, you've put on some weight!"
Here is a list of the diets and weight loss cycles I have put myself through:
Age 17 -- sensible three meals, no desert, no soda, few carbs (felt I only needed to lose a few pounds)
College -- The breakfast-only diet, with aerobics in the evenings (lost probably about 15 pounds or so) ALSO, the cookie diet, surviving on the oatmeal cookies my roommates mother made. A couple of those in the morning and that was it. (Lost probably about 5 pounds or so).
Early 20's -- Jenny Craig. Lost 40 pounds. Kept it off for about a year. Jenny Craig again about two years later when I was engaged and getting ready for my wedding. Again lost about 40 pounds. Gradually gained weight through my mid-twenties as depression set in. Weight from size 10 to 12, 14, 16.
Late 20's -- sensible three meals (Lean Cuisine and yogurt for lunch, for example) and walking 30-40 minutes each day. Don't know how much weight I lost, but friends and co-workers noticed the change. This lasted maybe six weeks. Soon after...
Also Late 20's Weight Watchers -- lost maybe 20 pounds but fell off the wagon when my meetings (in a beautiful old mansion by the lake) moved to a generic Weight Watchers Center and my leader changed. Size 16 to 18.
Mid-30's -- Weight Watchers again. Great meeting, great leaders. Lost 45 pounds, back to size 16. Yay! This lasted until just after I got married about a year later. Tough period emotionally. Up to size 20.
Late 30's -- Slim Fast, only lasted a week. Hated it. ALSO, Nutrisystem. Again about a week. Hated it.
Now at age 39... I weigh about 320 pounds, that's size 22-24. Most of my shoes are extra-wide and have to be ordered from catalogs.
I need to lose about 160 pounds, according to the needs of my body (height, age, etc.) This will put me at about a size 14. People always tell me my appearance doesn't match my actual weight, so perhaps I will look like a size 12? Ha ha!
About the protein/liquid regime. Yesterday was tough. I made it through the entire day, but when I tried to fall asleep about midnight the hunger set in big time. I lost control and ate an Amy's Kitchen Organic Breakfast Burrito and a cinnamon raisin bagel with nothing on it. These are the last edible things in my apartment aside from the protein drinks and cans of broth. I had three cans of broth yesterday -- 2 Campbell's chicken, which were pretty delicious and comforting, and one Swanson's beef which was bland.
The clinic I am working with requires this regime for two weeks (!) before surgery. It's supposed to shrink the liver to allow the surgeon better access to the stomach. I can't help but wonder, if I eat at least one high protein meal/low carb/low fat a day will that sink my surgery? I am afraid to ask the clinic in case they decide I am not fit for the procedure, willpower-wise.
My sister-in-law Emily and I have discussed this phenomenon. It seems even skinny women think and talk about food. Perhaps even more feverishly than women who struggle to maintain their weight. Perhaps skinny women (like my young students) have more to lose (or gain!) by gaining weight. I used to be one of those skinny gals. Of course I thought I was overweight; par for the course these days, right? I remember the terrible sense of failure and self-loathing when a pair of pants suddenly seemed a wee bit tight. The awful punch-in-the-gut sensation upon hearing a family member or friend I hadn't seen in a while say: "Girl, you've put on some weight!"
Here is a list of the diets and weight loss cycles I have put myself through:
Age 17 -- sensible three meals, no desert, no soda, few carbs (felt I only needed to lose a few pounds)
College -- The breakfast-only diet, with aerobics in the evenings (lost probably about 15 pounds or so) ALSO, the cookie diet, surviving on the oatmeal cookies my roommates mother made. A couple of those in the morning and that was it. (Lost probably about 5 pounds or so).
Early 20's -- Jenny Craig. Lost 40 pounds. Kept it off for about a year. Jenny Craig again about two years later when I was engaged and getting ready for my wedding. Again lost about 40 pounds. Gradually gained weight through my mid-twenties as depression set in. Weight from size 10 to 12, 14, 16.
Late 20's -- sensible three meals (Lean Cuisine and yogurt for lunch, for example) and walking 30-40 minutes each day. Don't know how much weight I lost, but friends and co-workers noticed the change. This lasted maybe six weeks. Soon after...
Also Late 20's Weight Watchers -- lost maybe 20 pounds but fell off the wagon when my meetings (in a beautiful old mansion by the lake) moved to a generic Weight Watchers Center and my leader changed. Size 16 to 18.
Mid-30's -- Weight Watchers again. Great meeting, great leaders. Lost 45 pounds, back to size 16. Yay! This lasted until just after I got married about a year later. Tough period emotionally. Up to size 20.
Late 30's -- Slim Fast, only lasted a week. Hated it. ALSO, Nutrisystem. Again about a week. Hated it.
Now at age 39... I weigh about 320 pounds, that's size 22-24. Most of my shoes are extra-wide and have to be ordered from catalogs.
I need to lose about 160 pounds, according to the needs of my body (height, age, etc.) This will put me at about a size 14. People always tell me my appearance doesn't match my actual weight, so perhaps I will look like a size 12? Ha ha!
About the protein/liquid regime. Yesterday was tough. I made it through the entire day, but when I tried to fall asleep about midnight the hunger set in big time. I lost control and ate an Amy's Kitchen Organic Breakfast Burrito and a cinnamon raisin bagel with nothing on it. These are the last edible things in my apartment aside from the protein drinks and cans of broth. I had three cans of broth yesterday -- 2 Campbell's chicken, which were pretty delicious and comforting, and one Swanson's beef which was bland.
The clinic I am working with requires this regime for two weeks (!) before surgery. It's supposed to shrink the liver to allow the surgeon better access to the stomach. I can't help but wonder, if I eat at least one high protein meal/low carb/low fat a day will that sink my surgery? I am afraid to ask the clinic in case they decide I am not fit for the procedure, willpower-wise.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Waiting and Worrying
It's the waiting that's getting me now. There are three July dates circled on the calendars in my apartment and at work:
July 13, 2009
Begin protein supplement & liquids regimen.
July 23, 2009
Visit with surgeon and anesthesiologist about procedure
July 27
Surgery
At the moment I am almost most worried about surviving the two weeks without solid food than I am about the surgery. Will I feel weak all the time? Will I be able to concentrate? Will I have cravings?
The purpose of this two weeks of fluids (most of my diet will consist of protein shakes, broth, and jello) is to reduce the size of my liver so the surgeon can have easier, safer access to my stomach.
My procedure is the gastric bypass, otherwise known as the Roux-en-Y. Here's what WebMD has to say about it.
I need to lose about half of my current weight, and I decided that the gastric bypass would be the best way to achieve this. The other option was the Lap Band, which is not permanent and less invasive, but generally does not lead to the major weight loss I need.
The only people I've told about this are members of my family and one long-time friend who also has had the surgery. In explaining to my bosses why I need to be off work for two to three weeks, I simply said I have to have surgery. I didn't go into specifics and they cannot ask, so that's that.
Before I even got to this point I had to keep monthly appointments at the bariatric clinic. This was an insurance company requirement. I suppose they hope you change your mind so they won't have to shell out the dough for the procedure! These sessions consisted of: a weigh-in and blood pressure check, short meeting with a doctor, and a class with fellow prospective patients. In the class we learned a lot about how much our lifestyles will have to change after surgery and also did some written exercises to evaluate our motives for surgery and self-esteem. I also had to keep logs of my food intact (concentrating especially on protein) and exercise. I actually lost thirteen pounds during this time! And, I really learned a lot, so it was definitely worth it.
And there's more... The insurance company also required a "psych evaluation," so I went to one of the doctors recommended by the clinic and answered questions about how long I'd been overweight, why I wanted to have the surgery, whether I had family support, etc. Toward the end of the hour I unexpectedly started crying. I was thinking about the younger me, the one who hated to be looked and leered at, the one who had been hurt in relationships, the one who already felt overweight (even though I was quite normal), the one who told herself it was better to be insulated from pain, better to be alone that part of the frenetic relationship/jealousy/beauty/competition scene. Better to feel very little than to open oneself up to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
I hope this blog will help me through the process of drastic weight loss. Perhaps it will also help others.
Until next time....
July 13, 2009
Begin protein supplement & liquids regimen.
July 23, 2009
Visit with surgeon and anesthesiologist about procedure
July 27
Surgery
At the moment I am almost most worried about surviving the two weeks without solid food than I am about the surgery. Will I feel weak all the time? Will I be able to concentrate? Will I have cravings?
The purpose of this two weeks of fluids (most of my diet will consist of protein shakes, broth, and jello) is to reduce the size of my liver so the surgeon can have easier, safer access to my stomach.
My procedure is the gastric bypass, otherwise known as the Roux-en-Y. Here's what WebMD has to say about it.
I need to lose about half of my current weight, and I decided that the gastric bypass would be the best way to achieve this. The other option was the Lap Band, which is not permanent and less invasive, but generally does not lead to the major weight loss I need.
The only people I've told about this are members of my family and one long-time friend who also has had the surgery. In explaining to my bosses why I need to be off work for two to three weeks, I simply said I have to have surgery. I didn't go into specifics and they cannot ask, so that's that.
Before I even got to this point I had to keep monthly appointments at the bariatric clinic. This was an insurance company requirement. I suppose they hope you change your mind so they won't have to shell out the dough for the procedure! These sessions consisted of: a weigh-in and blood pressure check, short meeting with a doctor, and a class with fellow prospective patients. In the class we learned a lot about how much our lifestyles will have to change after surgery and also did some written exercises to evaluate our motives for surgery and self-esteem. I also had to keep logs of my food intact (concentrating especially on protein) and exercise. I actually lost thirteen pounds during this time! And, I really learned a lot, so it was definitely worth it.
And there's more... The insurance company also required a "psych evaluation," so I went to one of the doctors recommended by the clinic and answered questions about how long I'd been overweight, why I wanted to have the surgery, whether I had family support, etc. Toward the end of the hour I unexpectedly started crying. I was thinking about the younger me, the one who hated to be looked and leered at, the one who had been hurt in relationships, the one who already felt overweight (even though I was quite normal), the one who told herself it was better to be insulated from pain, better to be alone that part of the frenetic relationship/jealousy/beauty/competition scene. Better to feel very little than to open oneself up to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
I hope this blog will help me through the process of drastic weight loss. Perhaps it will also help others.
Until next time....
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